


Frieden

by Melpomene (nonamenuisance)



Series: Soliloquy: Our Endless Numbered Days [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Demisexual Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Grayromantic Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Grief/Mourning, M/M, Male Hange Zoë, POV First Person, POV Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Polyamory, Suicidal Thoughts, acwnr spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-08-08 11:13:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7755511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonamenuisance/pseuds/Melpomene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Is there a way I can find you,</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Is there a sign I should know,</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Is there a road I could follow</i>
  <br/>
  <i>To bring you back home?</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Frieden

**Author's Note:**

> Just a warning: this story deals with suicide. But it has a happy ending? At least, one I think is happy?
> 
> And... now I don't know what to say? I suck at author's notes.

_Where are you this moment?_  
_Only in my dreams._  
_You're missing, but you're always_  
_A heartbeat from me._  
_I'm lost now without you,_  
_I don't know where you are._  
_I keep watching, I keep hoping,_  
_But time keeps us apart._

_Is there a way I can find you,_  
_Is there a sign I should know,_  
_Is there a road I could follow_  
_To bring you back home?_

_Winter lies before me_  
_Now you're so far away._  
_In the darkness of my dreaming_  
_The light of you will stay_

_If I could be close beside you_  
_If I could be where you are_  
_If I could reach out and touch you_  
_And bring you back home_  
_Is there a way I can find you_  
_Is there a sign I should know_  
_Is there a road I can follow_  
_To bring you back home to me_

_Enya – If I Could Be Where You Are_  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
It was warm. I had all the bed sheets bunched up around my neck, and could feel Hange’s firm body behind me, arms wrapped tightly around me, hands pressing gently into my stomach. I could feel one of his legs wedged between my own. I never had been able to sleep without something wedged between my knees, and he was always more than happy to be that something.  
  
My fingers slowly slid to where his hands were, only to feel nothing but my own skin and the sheets. I opened my eyes, reality came crashing back down.  
  
Hange was gone.  
  
After all these years, I still never once woke up and expected him to be missing. Every night I positioned my several pillows so that it would feel, if I imagined hard enough, like he was there holding me how he used to, and each morning I fell for it again. Again and again.  
  
Letting out a sigh, I slowly untangled myself from the sheets and pillows, and opened the window. The sea breeze rushed in accompanied by the soft morning sunlight, and the sounds of the waves crashing on the shore. A seagull cried out, momentarily disturbing the peace.  
  
Moving to sit at my desk, I pulled out the paper, quill, and ink from the top drawer.  
  
_Dear Hange,_

_You must be getting annoyed with these letters, considering how many I’ve sent you. I’m sorry about that. Last night, after sending your letter, I counted. Counted every one I’ve sent. Ten thousand, two hundred forty-eight. Two letters a day, for fourteen years. Consistent as the sunrise and sunset. I can’t help it though. I miss you._  
  
_Can you believe it? Fourteen years today, you left. Why? Why did you leave me? Couldn’t you have used your head and stayed back from the titan’s mouth? What did you expect to happen? I’m sorry._  
  
_It’s my fault. I should have gone with you. I knew better than to let you go alone, yet I was still too lazy to get up that morning. Do you know that I’ve gotten up early every morning since? I can’t sleep in anymore. Even though you’re already gone, I can’t sleep in. It took years before I was able to sleep at all._  
  
_Every day since you left me has been hell. Even though the titans are gone now, and the world is at peace. Even though I live in a little cottage by the sea, with those three shitty brats just a mile or two down the beach, it’s hell. I wasn’t prepared for you to leave me. I’ve been grieving so much, all this time. But I’m angry and hurt too. I hate you. I hate you for doing this to me. You wanted me to come with you. Why didn’t you make me? You could have slapped some sense into my ass and dragged me down to check on the titans with you. Why didn’t you? Why were you always so fucking considerate? Why did you leave me, you selfish bastard._  
  
_Anyway, there’s a lot of grass growing here. A lot of kinds I’d never seen before. Remember when I told you that I never had a clue that grass existed until I got out from the Underground? People down there, they would always talk about trees and flowers, but nobody ever mentioned grass. It was such a surprise._  
  
_I remember I was drunk when I let that slip out of my mouth. The little secret of my fascination with grass. I thought you were going to laugh at me; tease me relentlessly, like you usually did. But you didn’t react at all. I thought you didn’t hear me, and was relieved that I was safe from that embarrassment. And then the next day, you’d disappeared for hours. You finally snuck into my room, much later than normal. I had just given up on you showing, when you burst through the door holding an armload of grass._  
  
_I thought you’d gone insane._  
  
_And then I remembered what I’d told you the day before, and I just fell in love with you more. Only you would bring your partner a bouquet of grass._  
  
_Remember how you would collect whatever kinds you could find on the expeditions? You’d save bits of them in your jacket or your boots for me. Thank you. I still have some of every kind you gave me, dried and pressed into notebooks. I’ll tell you a secret: that’s what was in those notebooks on my bookshelf back at headquarters all those years ago. The grass you gave me._  
  
_Did you know that I always keep a handful of grass blades in a glass now, like most people do with flowers? The grass here by the sea is so different than the grass back inside the walls. It’s tall and dry. Very brittle too. It’s cut my fingertips more than a few times._  
  
_Living by the sea, with Eren, Armin, and Mikasa nearby is interesting. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen those kids all go streaking past my house, playing some kind of game that they invented. They’ll roam naked all over the beach, splashing happily in the surf, wallowing around in the sand, burying each other, and pretending to be these things called mermaids._  
  
_You would love to hear their talk about mermaids. Half fish-half human creatures, beautiful and fantastic. At least, so Armin says. He read about them in a book of his, apparently._  
  
_It’s so quiet here. So quiet. Just me and the kids. Well, they’re not so much kids anymore. Eren just turned twenty-nine this spring. He came by earlier to tell me that he and Mikasa are pregnant. It was hilarious. He was cowering behind the door like a scared little puppy dog, as if he thought I’d kill him for knocking up my niece. As if I didn’t know that he and Armin had formed a happy little group family with her._  
  
_I’m happy for them. I wish you were here. We could have found a homeless child or an orphan and made them our own. Wouldn’t that have been nice? There were so many orphans. Well, I guess there still are, but they’re all older now, and have children of their own._  
  
_Eren said they’d name the baby after you._  
  
_I feel so old now. My back aches almost constantly, and my knee gives me so much trouble. It stiffens up if I sit for too long, it’ll give out on me when I’m standing too long. It’s just always acting up. Oh well. It’s to be expected I guess, at forty-eight years old._  
  
_I wonder how old you’d be now? You never would admit your age. You always said that you were beyond the laws of time. I just wish you’d been beyond the laws of mortality too._  
  
_Another thing about you though; you loved having people think you were crazy. You played up the mad-scientist role to a ridiculous extreme whenever the cadets were around. Remember those hours you’d spend practicing your evil cackle? You always were yourself around me, so why did you put on the act for everyone else? As fun as your crazed persona could be, you being yourself was better._  
  
_I miss every ‘you’ you ever showed me. The cranky one, when the egg yolks in your breakfast weren’t cooked all the way through. The sexily smart you, like right before we made love for the first time, laying out under the stars and showing off your intelligence with ease. The way you got so, so sad over the pain you’d cause your test subjects, yet how ruthless you could be towards your fellow human beings who refused to play their part in eradicating those very same test subjects. And the way all those moods were amplified by ten whenever you were feeling poorly… You always were such a baby when you got sick._  
  
_You gave us both quite the reputation though. You were, obviously, terrifying, and I was the “brave soul” who’d “tamed” you enough to form a “friend.” If only they knew; how serious you could be, and how much more than friends we were._  
  
_You know, every morning I think I’m waking up next to you. I do it on purpose, trying to trick myself, and it works, although only when I’m just barely waking up. The rest of the time, the stillness of the pillows and you not stealing the sheets prevents me from pretending._  
  
_You stole the sheets every night I slept with you. I was so irritated about it, for the longest time. You never used the covers any other time, and I paid attention. You were always saying you were too hot, yet you’d still take all of my sheets. I don’t know why it took me so long to ask you why, but I’ll never forget your answer._  
  
_Do you remember what you said? I bet you do. You had one of the best memories I’d ever seen._  
  
_You said it was because you knew I’d snuggle up to you to keep warm. I swear I blushed inside for days._  
  
_Ugh I, I just don’t know what to do Hange. Life is so dull now without you. Everything is gray and dreary. I need you here. I… I want you here. Oh Gods, why the fuck did you have to leave me? What did we ever do to deserve this?_  
  
_Nothing. We did nothing wrong, Hange. The universe is a sick and twisted place. The good lose everything, while evil flourishes. You can struggle your whole life to do right by everybody, but it’ll never be enough. You’re still gonna get screwed over in the end._  
  
_I know I’m rambling now, but I just… I can’t take this anymore. I’m sick of it all; life, breathing, the sky, the sea, that stupid fucking grass I loved so much. I’m done with it. No more. I swear to you, I will never wake up without you again._  
  
_I’m going to join you._  
  
_See you soon, dearest Hange,_  
_Levi_  
  
With that, I folded the stiff paper into a square and tucked it securely into an envelope. It was nice paper. Off-white, with the little fiber-y filaments visible. Had a cloth-like texture to it too. It was expensive to buy, but it was the only kind that I would use for Hange’s letters. He had always gotten so excited about it when he was with me.  
  
With a quick flick of my wrist, I sealed the letter with wax. Then I quickly tugged on my shoes, and locked up my little cabin by the sea. I wouldn’t miss it, not a bit.  
  
It didn’t take long to walk to the cliff overlooking the sea. I always threw Hange’s letters from here, every single day. The bright, frothing water below would suck them right up, as if they had never existed in the first place.  
  
If it was good enough for Hange’s letters, it would be good enough for me.  
  
Standing as close to the edge as possible, the tips of my boots hung out over the sea below. Little crumbles of dirt and grass fell from where my shoes had dislodged them. They fell and fell, yet when they reached the sea, not a ripple was made; no sign that they had existed at all. I smiled.  
  
Holding the letter out, I placed a kiss on the seal and let it go.  
  
Unlike the dirt, I could see when the letter hit. It floated for a brief moment, water seeping into the paper, making the ink run in swirls, before sinking.  
  
With a last glance at the sun—the sun that I used to love so much but now hated the thought of—I sighed. I couldn’t do it. Every anniversary, I thought about suicide, and every anniversary, I kept living.  
  
Mikasa, Eren, and Armin were going to have a child. The thought made me smile. I hadn’t told Hange, but Eren had asked me to be the baby’s godfather. With a scoff, I knew that from every anniversary here on out, the thoughts of death wouldn’t come. I couldn’t leave them. Couldn’t give them the same feelings that Hange’s death left me with.  
  
I’d write Hange an apology tonight. I bet he’ll be happy.  
  
I’ll be happy too. It will never be the same kind of happiness that I had before I lost Hange, just as my happiness was never the same after losing Isabelle and Farlan. But it will be happiness none-the-less.  
  
As I turned to walk home, I spotted a bright green blade poking up from the brown sea grass. A new kind of grass; vibrant and fresh, colorful and alive, amidst the dead-looking plants nearby.  
  
I smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so this series is done! Ahaha, it is by far the least popular thing I've written, and I can understand why. But regardless, it is very special to me. 
> 
> I'd love some feedback. Tell me what you liked, tell me what you didn't, give me constructive criticism, all that good stuff. I've also got a tumblr, and the url is theraven4597.tumblr.com
> 
> Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed.
> 
> (One last thing I swear... not gonna lie, but I totally think that stuff about Levi + grass + Hange happened. Fight me. ~~Please don't fight me because I am smol~~ )


End file.
